Life in our Shoes

Archive for the ‘anxiety’ Category

We are moving along nicely in the IVF process. My egg retrieval was yesterday. Due to my anxiety that I may not make it to the appointment at the precise time we were told we needed to be there, we stayed at a hotel across the street. There was no way I could chance a 45 minute drive down the turnpike at that time of day. What if there was traffic? Or an accident? Or, or, or? And then I would mess the whole thing up because I was late. So, my Mom stayed with the kids and we got a mini-vacation. We watched Grown Ups for some mindless entertainment. Pretty funny movie if you like dumb comedy. Which I do.

I woke up the next morning at 4:10, then 5:10, then 6:10, at which point I just stayed awake. We were to be at the center at 7AM to get my anesthesia, so the procedure could start at precisely 7:30. I was taken right back to change into my gown. The Squatch wasn’t allowed to come back with me, even while I just sat in the chair…waiting, feeling my pulse get faster and faster, and my blood pressure rise.The nurse got me a magazine to help bring my anxiety down. I looked at the articles, but didn’t read a single thing. Then the anesthesiologist came in and asked a million questions. He talked and joked about his dog, which momentarily eased my anxiety. Until he started telling me what was going to take place and that the anesthesia might burn and so on and so forth.

Then the tears started. I didn’t actually cry, but my eyes were watering something fierce. While he started my IV, the nurse had me close my eyes and breathe, while she monitored my pulse. Once it went down, they took my back to OR. Cue fast pulse again. I got on the table and started freaking out. I didn’t actually say anything, but I suppose they could tell by my heart rate yet again. The anesthesiologist assured me it would be over before I know it, and put me on oxygen. Then I heard “we’re going to get your anesthesia started, don’t worry, it will take the edge off”. Instantly I felt a burning in my throat and my face. I meant to ask if that was normal, but I don’t think the words ever came out of my mouth. Next thing I knew I was back out in the recovery room, waiting for The Squatch.

Dr F came by to tell me they retrieved 30 eggs. He also mentioned that my estrogen was higher than any number he has ever seen. Which meant that my ovaries were super large and it would be too dangerous to transfer embryos back in. He will be monitoring me closely this week to see if they drop enough. If not, we will have to freeze the embryos and wait until they do.

As far as recovery, I mostly felt a lot of cramping, bloating, and heaviness in my abdomen yesterday. Today, I’m still slightly crampy and when I take a deep breath it hurts my rib cage. I have no idea why or if that’s normal, but I will ask when the doctor calls. But, for now, I’m tired. I didn’t sleep well due to the pain, so off to bed I go. Well, after I eat lunch!

In all of my 33 years of life, I have had every illness and disease known to man. Even a few that aren’t. Really. Google tells me so. Also, I have anxiety. The doctor told me that one. Google doctoring + anxiety = very bad news. Even worse when you are googling your kid’s symptoms. (PS- spellcheck keeps telling me googling isn’t a word. But, it is. I said so.)

There was this one time when Thing 2 was a teeny tiny baby that googling was beneficial. The doctor said he was fine. I said he had torticollis. Turns out I was right. He needed physical therapy and a corrective helmet to undo the damage done from tilting his head to one side all the time.

Right now, I hate google. With all of my being. Thing 2 has always had what the doctors called “prominent lymph nodes”. One on his neck and one behind his ear. You could see them if you really looked. In the past week (that I have noticed), you can now spot them, very clearly, from across a room. And there’s three of them.

He had an appointment tonight. I was hoping the doctor would say “it’s nothing, everything is fine”, even though I wouldn’t have settled for that answer. Because that answer isn’t an answer. That isn’t the answer I got anyhow. I believe the words the doctor used were “this is concerning”. If he was sick or had a cold, or a sore throat, or anything really, she wouldn’t be concerned. But, he doesn’t. Just really large lymph nodes. She gave me a prescription for bloodwork and said I “don’t need to rush out to get it done, or lose any sleep over it”. I told her I already did lose sleep and I will be there when they open the doors in the AM.

I hate this. I’m trying to hold it all together, especially because there are a ton of other things stressing me out right now as well. I don’t know that I am holding it together well, and I can feel my anxiety attacks coming back a little more each day.