Life in our Shoes

Archive for the ‘Complaining’ Category

****WARNING: This post contains a whole lot of TMI and whining. Read at your own risk****

I’ve been looking forward to today since April when we had our failed attempt at an IUI cycle. We chose mid September to start IVF for timing and financial reasons. It was a long, long summer waiting for this day. If you know me, I am not the most patient person in the world. And several months of nervous excitement can drive a person like me bonkers.

I woke up this morning practically bouncing, and let me tell you that is quite a feat since it was 7:30AM and I usually don’t see daylight until around 10AM. I chugged down a metric butt ton of water (and a Peppermint java chip frappacino), in an attempt to have a full bladder for my mock transfer. The doctor pronounced it “not full enough” as I wiggled around needing to use the bathroom. He was able to do the procedure anyhow. Naturally the *insert medical term here*, or you could call it a thing like I did got stuck and couldn’t get into my cervix. No worries, we’ll grab a thicker one. Huh. That doesn’t work either. Hey nurse, go get me *insert medical term here*. Do you know what that is? No? OK, go ask the other nurse, she’ll get it. This is all so typical of how an appointment of mine should go. Fortunately that instrument worked, only causing a minor pinch and done. The doctor got his measurements and told me he wasn’t sure if the hysteroscopy would work due to too much bleeding.

Oh, I didn’t mention I started spotting over the weekend? I apologize. I did, but only light spotting. I was told it wasn’t a problem as long as it didn’t turn into full flow which it didn’t. Did I also mention that I do not have a cycle? Haven’t since April and only because it was brought on by Provera. I digress.

I was allowed to empty my “not full”, but ohsofull bladder and move into the hysteroscopy room. For some reason I was extremely nervous. My heart was racing and I kept waiting for the “mild to moderate” cramping that I was supposed to feel. It never came. In fact, in about 30 seconds the doctor said “I’m done, you can sit up. All looks clear. When do you want to start?” Uhh..yesterday? He chuckled and said “and what day of your cycle is this?” To which I explained, yet again, that I don’t really get a cycle, that this was an unusual occurrence. “And how long are your cycles?” I don’t really get a cycle this is an unusual occurrence. OH. “So we should do bloodwork to see when you ovulate, then” I don’t ovulate, hence the IVF. Do you not have my chart? Have we not been through this?

He left the room and came back only to tell me that since I started my *insert expletives here* cycle, I would need to wait two weeks, then come back for bloodwork and an ultrasound to then start a Provera/Lupron overlap cycle to bring on my period that way, since this is not a “typical cycle”.

I scheduled my two week appointment and left the office feeling defeated. Once again, my body took matters into it’s own hands and laughed in my face. What are the odds that I don’t have a cycle, ever, unless brought on by Provera or birth control, and I am going to get it now? The week I am supposed to start my medications. In fact, I was supposed to start them today. It makes no sense.

I know, I’m whining about two weeks. It’s really not the two weeks that I am whining about. It’s more the fact that I feel betrayed by my own body, yet again. It’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Infertility. She’s a bitch.

I had originally planned on blogging about our journey through the ins and outs of infertility in our attempt to add to our family, but for some reason, I just never did. I think I need to, though. I’m hoping it will help me through the stress of being turned into a human pincushion. I remember last time I went through it, I turned to the internet to find other bloggers going through what I was. Reading those pulled me through when I often wanted to quit. So maybe, just maybe my blog will help someone else struggling with similar issues.

That said, this month was our second month “officially” trying with the help of an RE. His recommendation for our first cycle was a clomid cycle. I knew it wouldn’t work simply because of done many, many cycles of clomid in the past with no results. He wanted to “monitor” me while on it, just so he could see why it wasn’t working. Biggest. Waste. Of. Money. It didn’t work.

On to the second cycle. The doctor wanted us to do a clomid/injection cycle. He likes to be conservative. We opted for the straight injection cycle. It made more sense than trying the combined cycle, only to have it not work, then pay again to do the injection cycle.

So, I spent the past month going to the doctor every three days, then every two days, then every day for a week. I was poked and prodded a million different ways, several times a day. We had to buy so many different injections at $140 a pop that it made my head spin.

We eventually got to the point where my follicles were growing (and there was a ton of them). My estrogen was too high and I had too many follicles. So the new plan was to take me off the gonal-f to get my estrogen to taper off. The doctor also put me on hcg to push the bigger follicles to grow and the smaller ones to stop.

That first day I got my blood work back, my estrogen had dropped by a lot. My concern was, what if it drops too much? I was told “it’s possible”. They increased the hcg by another tiny bit, but still didn’t supplement the estrogen any. I could tell by looking at the screen during my u/s today that my follicles weren’t growing as much as they needed to be. So I wasn’t surprised when they called with my results to say my estrogen dropped too far and this cycle would be a bust. Call Monday for a new consult.

It didn’t take long for us to decide that we don’t want to go through this every month. All this trial and error to get the medicine dosages right, all that wasted money. The roller coaster of emotions, the injections of mass amounts of hormones. I can’t do it. So we are going to wait out the summer and and try IVF later in the year. Late fall or early winter.

I’m sad. I’m disappointed. It sucks. And it hurts. But we’ll get through it. I’ll get back on track with my weight loss to hopefully reach my goal before getting pregnant. We’ll enjoy our summer vacations. And we’ll start fresh in a few months.