Life in our Shoes

Archive for the ‘TTC’ Category

I have been through many, many failed cycles on my TTC journey. Clomid cycles, injectable cycles, IUI cycles, but nothing could have prepared me for the emotional hit of a failed IVF cycle.

Sure, I knew, logically that it wasn’t a guarantee. I went into it cautiously optimisitic. Or I thought I was being cautious. Clearly not enough. I had the mindset of it worked for me six years ago, why not now? Simply put, it’s been six years. My eggs are not in the same condition they were in when I was in my twenties. Toss in the variable of this being a frozen cycle, and well, the odds drop again.

I’ll be honest, I was fairly certain that I was pregnant. I was afraid to admit it out loud, but I was sure. I had several symptoms, that could also be attributed to the progesterone injections, but I wanted to believe that it was pregnancy. So I did. It was a mistake.

I went for my bloodwork at 9:30 AM. I was told to expect a call between 1 and 3. I was also assured that they call “in no particular order”, so if I am getting a call closer to 3, it doesn’t mean it is bad news. As it got closer and closer to 3, I started freaking out more and more. I checked the clock every minute. Passing the time trying to put together Thing 2′s Transformer that now sits in pieces on my kitchen table. The phone didn’t ring until 2:58. TWO freaking FIFTY EIGHT!!!!! And I knew. Regardless of the fact that they call in no particular order, I just knew.

If I didn’t know from that, I would have know from the tone in her voice. The fake pleasantries as she asked how I was doing. Does she really need to ask me that? Just tell me the results and be done with it. The words “I’m sorry, the test was negative” hit me like a hammer in the chest. I didn’t hear much else of what she said. Some lame excuse as to why they called so late, blahblahblah. I just wanted to hang up.

Then I sat. I didn’t cry. I just sat. And stared. I replayed that call in my head 100 times, trying to see if maybe I heard her wrong. Maybe it was a joke. Maybe she dialed the wrong number. Maybe she was going to call back and say it was a mistake. That was my shock and denial phase. It lasted all of three minutes. Then I cried. I called my parents and hid in my room. And cried. Knowing full well that I needed to pull my self together to leave for a Christmas party in 30 minutes. I blocked out all emotion. Threw on some makeup to cover up my red blotchiness, loaded everyone in the car and put on a brave face.

After the torture of a family Christmas party, on a day that I wasn’t the only one in the family to receive bad news, we dropped the kids off with their father. I came home and focused as hard as I could on computer games and anything to occupy my mind. As soon as I climbed into bed and realized I didn’t need to ice myself for my injection the tears came. Like waves. Again and again tearing down the wall I so carefully built all day long. Then I slept. Hard. When I woke up, my eyes were swollen and buggy and generally awful. But, I was out of tears. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I stayed in my PJs and played Xbox all day long. Then I ate Chinese food, watched Inception and decided to move on.

I still make that decision several times a day. The decision to not dwell on this. To know that I still have to embies on ice and I can try again. I feel little cracks in the wall, but I can plug them up. And I do. And I move on. And if it never works, I still have this….

Thought I’d update before my chocolate cake batter ice cream with peanut butter on it arrives. Mmmmm…… oh! Sorry! I got distracted by my mouth watering.

Well, of the 30 eggs retrieved, 17 of them were mature enough to perform ICSI. Of the 17, five fertilized. We had to call off the Wednesday transfer, because on Tuesday there was fluid in my abdomen, my ovaries were large, estrogen was high and it put me at a high risk for OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). Dr F told me to come back in Thursday morning and we would decide what to do from there based on my ultrasound and bloodwork.

I knew before I got there we wouldn’t be transferring on Friday either. I was still extremely bloated, but at least my ribs didn’t feel like they were cracking anymore. Dr F confirmed my suspicions. Still some fluid in my abdomen, and my ovaries were even bigger(estrogen also doubled). He was also concerned that because my ovaries are so large that are higher than they should be and I am at risk for ovarian torsion, which would require surgery. Umm..no thanks.

OH! Ice cream is here..I will finish this later!

It’s now Saturday (I started this on Friday). Four of our embryos made it to blastocyst stage and got frozen. It’s odd to think our future baby could be potentially sitting in a freezer somewhere.

As for me, I still feel crappy. Still very bloated and having a nagging pain in the right side of my back. Hoping this goes away soon and I can return to my former self for at least a small amount of time before starting over next month.

****WARNING: This post contains a whole lot of TMI and whining. Read at your own risk****

I’ve been looking forward to today since April when we had our failed attempt at an IUI cycle. We chose mid September to start IVF for timing and financial reasons. It was a long, long summer waiting for this day. If you know me, I am not the most patient person in the world. And several months of nervous excitement can drive a person like me bonkers.

I woke up this morning practically bouncing, and let me tell you that is quite a feat since it was 7:30AM and I usually don’t see daylight until around 10AM. I chugged down a metric butt ton of water (and a Peppermint java chip frappacino), in an attempt to have a full bladder for my mock transfer. The doctor pronounced it “not full enough” as I wiggled around needing to use the bathroom. He was able to do the procedure anyhow. Naturally the *insert medical term here*, or you could call it a thing like I did got stuck and couldn’t get into my cervix. No worries, we’ll grab a thicker one. Huh. That doesn’t work either. Hey nurse, go get me *insert medical term here*. Do you know what that is? No? OK, go ask the other nurse, she’ll get it. This is all so typical of how an appointment of mine should go. Fortunately that instrument worked, only causing a minor pinch and done. The doctor got his measurements and told me he wasn’t sure if the hysteroscopy would work due to too much bleeding.

Oh, I didn’t mention I started spotting over the weekend? I apologize. I did, but only light spotting. I was told it wasn’t a problem as long as it didn’t turn into full flow which it didn’t. Did I also mention that I do not have a cycle? Haven’t since April and only because it was brought on by Provera. I digress.

I was allowed to empty my “not full”, but ohsofull bladder and move into the hysteroscopy room. For some reason I was extremely nervous. My heart was racing and I kept waiting for the “mild to moderate” cramping that I was supposed to feel. It never came. In fact, in about 30 seconds the doctor said “I’m done, you can sit up. All looks clear. When do you want to start?” Uhh..yesterday? He chuckled and said “and what day of your cycle is this?” To which I explained, yet again, that I don’t really get a cycle, that this was an unusual occurrence. “And how long are your cycles?” I don’t really get a cycle this is an unusual occurrence. OH. “So we should do bloodwork to see when you ovulate, then” I don’t ovulate, hence the IVF. Do you not have my chart? Have we not been through this?

He left the room and came back only to tell me that since I started my *insert expletives here* cycle, I would need to wait two weeks, then come back for bloodwork and an ultrasound to then start a Provera/Lupron overlap cycle to bring on my period that way, since this is not a “typical cycle”.

I scheduled my two week appointment and left the office feeling defeated. Once again, my body took matters into it’s own hands and laughed in my face. What are the odds that I don’t have a cycle, ever, unless brought on by Provera or birth control, and I am going to get it now? The week I am supposed to start my medications. In fact, I was supposed to start them today. It makes no sense.

I know, I’m whining about two weeks. It’s really not the two weeks that I am whining about. It’s more the fact that I feel betrayed by my own body, yet again. It’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Infertility. She’s a bitch.

We are officially in Phase One of IVF. All that means is so far we have had our “nursing consult”. It was full of talk about procedures, injections, money, and enough paperwork to make my head spin. Blood was drawn on both The Squatch and I, and all was determined to be well for a hysteroscopy and mock transfer next week. From what I can recall, it isn’t painful, maybe just a bit uncomfortable. If all goes as planned, the actual IVF should take place mid-October.

I’m excited and nervous all at once. Mostly, I’m nervous about the IM shots of Progesterone in oil. They hurt like nobody’s business.

I had originally planned on blogging about our journey through the ins and outs of infertility in our attempt to add to our family, but for some reason, I just never did. I think I need to, though. I’m hoping it will help me through the stress of being turned into a human pincushion. I remember last time I went through it, I turned to the internet to find other bloggers going through what I was. Reading those pulled me through when I often wanted to quit. So maybe, just maybe my blog will help someone else struggling with similar issues.

That said, this month was our second month “officially” trying with the help of an RE. His recommendation for our first cycle was a clomid cycle. I knew it wouldn’t work simply because of done many, many cycles of clomid in the past with no results. He wanted to “monitor” me while on it, just so he could see why it wasn’t working. Biggest. Waste. Of. Money. It didn’t work.

On to the second cycle. The doctor wanted us to do a clomid/injection cycle. He likes to be conservative. We opted for the straight injection cycle. It made more sense than trying the combined cycle, only to have it not work, then pay again to do the injection cycle.

So, I spent the past month going to the doctor every three days, then every two days, then every day for a week. I was poked and prodded a million different ways, several times a day. We had to buy so many different injections at $140 a pop that it made my head spin.

We eventually got to the point where my follicles were growing (and there was a ton of them). My estrogen was too high and I had too many follicles. So the new plan was to take me off the gonal-f to get my estrogen to taper off. The doctor also put me on hcg to push the bigger follicles to grow and the smaller ones to stop.

That first day I got my blood work back, my estrogen had dropped by a lot. My concern was, what if it drops too much? I was told “it’s possible”. They increased the hcg by another tiny bit, but still didn’t supplement the estrogen any. I could tell by looking at the screen during my u/s today that my follicles weren’t growing as much as they needed to be. So I wasn’t surprised when they called with my results to say my estrogen dropped too far and this cycle would be a bust. Call Monday for a new consult.

It didn’t take long for us to decide that we don’t want to go through this every month. All this trial and error to get the medicine dosages right, all that wasted money. The roller coaster of emotions, the injections of mass amounts of hormones. I can’t do it. So we are going to wait out the summer and and try IVF later in the year. Late fall or early winter.

I’m sad. I’m disappointed. It sucks. And it hurts. But we’ll get through it. I’ll get back on track with my weight loss to hopefully reach my goal before getting pregnant. We’ll enjoy our summer vacations. And we’ll start fresh in a few months.

We are officially in Round 2 of TTC.  I say “officially” because we technically started trying in July.  This, however, is our second month of Clomid.  I was unsuccessful with Clomid my first time around years ago, but it may have been partially due to some issues with my ex, not just me.  I hope that’s the case.

Last night was the final night of Clomid this month.  Now, we watch the fertility monitor and wait for it to bring some good news.  Last month it never brought the news, but this month I was put on double the dose.  If it doesn’t work this month, I don’t know what the next step is. Will I have to take Clomid again?  Or, given my history, will I be able to just move on to something else.  I’m dreading actually going to a fertility doctor because insurance doesn’t cover that insanity.  Let’s just hope that this is the month and I don’t need to worry about that.